Run 9 – In which there is hatred!

Run 9 –    Fartlek training – or “just get round any way you can”

Total Time: 31 minutes

Total Distance Travelled: 2.61km

Distance Run: Roughtly 1.9km

Distance Walked: About 0.7km

Overall average pace: 11.37 mins/km

Average run pace: About 10 mins/km

Average cadence: 122 spm

Average heart rate: 161 bpm

General impression: Today was our second group outing at Dinton Pastures. Andy set us off in pairs to run around the lake, doing something resembling fartlek training but really turned out to be “just get round as best you can”.

I discovered that running in this setting makes me very sad and very angry. I’m not sure whether it’s the group thing or Andy’s presence telling me how crap I am (NOTE: Andy does not tell me how crap I am, that’s just what I hear), or something else but I came away with the absolute opposite of endorphins. My partner Tina was lovely and we chatted but she was able to enjoy the run and the day whereas I was fixated on how crap I am, which just made it all harder. Tina and I finished last, and it was a little bit saddening to see some of the others do extra whilst they waited for us. I know you shouldn’t compare, and I didn’t really feel as if I was, not consciously anyway, but for whatever reason I totally disliked the run and myself.

I didn’t stretch post-run with the rest because I had it in my head that I would go and run a mile without stopping, as I was meant to do the day after my calf injury. That didn’t happen, I was exhausted from the group run and I was too upset as well I suppose. So I walked back to the car feeling really grumpy and miserable. This is NOT how it is supposed to work!

As my bl0g posts have shown, I’m loving running when I’m alone and I’m able to keep up with the intervals so far. I don’t feel that I get enough out of the group run sessions to warrant keeping going to put myself through it. I know that is the wrong answer and I should deal with whatever this is, but I just want to run 5k and with lots of other things going on I can’t see the need to over-complicate things. So I think I will skip the group sessions from now on, although I do worry that I’ll ruin the “big race” by obsessing about how much better than me everyone else will have done.

Sadly, this behaviour pattern is very similar to patterns that I saw when I was with The Trainer. Clearly it wasn’t ALL PMDD driven then, and clearly I haven’t got over this one yet. Not sure what to do about it either.

For now though I’m going to maintain positive momentum, run alone, work on my form and just run for the enjoyment of running. There is plenty of time to work on this self-sabotaging behaviour once I can run 5k!

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